These Words from A Parent That Helped Me during my time as a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was simply just surviving for a year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

But the reality quickly became "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her chief support in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good spot. You need assistance. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now more comfortable discussing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the struggles new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a wider reluctance to open up amongst men, who continue to internalise damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It's not a show of weakness to ask for help. I failed to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a pause - spending a few days away, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that don't help," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your other half or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. It could be going for a run, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the body - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising you is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I think my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are on this path."